Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What if?


If a person attacks your children, what would you do?
What if they call your children names?
What if they bully other kids?
What if this same person hits you?
What if they put holes in your wall?
What if they have no friends?
What if no one wants to be around them?

What if the person responsible for all this was your child

Yesterday was an especially bad day.  I found myself mad one minute, screaming another, pleading another, and crying another.  But it's not all about me.
 
I feel so bad for Rowyn, who often takes the blunt of her aggression.  
I feel bad for Riley who always defends Camdyn, when others are saying how mean and awful she is.  Camdyn attacks Riley, ruins her things, screams at her...yet in the end, Camdyn is her sister and she will defend her till the end.  
I feel bad for all of them, because I don't want to take them places out of fear of how Camdyn will behave.


Most of all, I feel sad and scared. For Camdyn.
She is my child, albeit she drives me crazy most days, but she isn't choosing to be who she is.  Who would?  Who would choose to be a 4-year-old without friends, without playmates?  Who would want to get yelled at all the time?  Who would choose to be so impulsive?  

Camdyn has ADHD and ODD. 

I can't change that.  No sticker chart or behavior modification program is going to change that.  Being more strict or less strict isn't going to make things easier.  Seeing a child psychologist isn't going to make Camdyn wake up one morning and act "normal".  This is who she is.  I realize in the whole scope of things, it could be much, much worse.  She's healthy, she's here with us...but as a parent, we want our kids to have easy lives.  To be happy.  To have friends.  To have fun.  To be loved.  To be accepted.



I feel helpless and
  I feel like I'm failing her 
and it sucks.











 


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

*hugs*

Leslie said...

I just want to give you a bit giant hug right now.

Unknown said...

You're an amazing sister, friend AND mom. You would only be failing her if you stopped loving her, which we all know would never happen. Things are tough right now, but they will get better. Maybe not in a few months, or even a few years, but they will get better. Look at how Clyde turned out. Look at how I turned out. She will be okay, it's just a matter of getting through the tough times while they last. We all know that she has no control over her actions, that she doesn't choose to do the things she does. I know you feel helpless, but I hope you realize how great of a mom you are. You've definitely taken after Mom. Camdyn is loved. Unconditionally. By her parents, her siblings, aunts and uncles, grammy and grandpa. She's my niece and my godchild and I would do anything for her. That being said, I think you should send her down here for a sleepover. Just her. Carrie and I can take her to the dog park, to the park, let her chase Tucker around and other fun stuff for a 4 year old. Maybe on the 6th when you guys come down here you can leave her here and Carrie and I can bring her back on Sunday. Just know that you're an amazing mommy to four amazing kids! Love you!

Mar said...

Erin, big, big hugs!! I hope you do realize what an awesome mom you are!

Familyof4 said...

Erin,

I know some of what you feel. It is hard to think of your child as "that kid"-- but hang in there... for one thing you are doing and taking all the right steps to help her... and with time and age she may be able to control the impulse and it may be undetectable to others. She is still young... kids don't really notice it and build deep friendships till around 2nd grade (or so I have been told) so she still has time.

And bless Riley for being such an awesome person and sister! She is a great girl!

I focus on what I love about Mason... I love Mason's sense of humor and he he is so kind and super sweet, he is genuine and creative (sometimes that is a pro and a con!)... I can't focus on his faults, heck we all have them, his just stand out right now... but I do think with time that will change (I hope) and you know what, I don't want to try and change him to the point he isn't him anymore... because what I might want to change in him now, might grow into a positive trait down the road... we just work with him to tone it down, but still be himself... just with better choices!

I think you are doing everything you can do... and Camdyn is ALWAYS welcome at our home. If you ever jsut want a little break send her and Riley over!!! We would love to have them at our house!